I’m a vegetarian. Kind of. At home I’ll only cook vegetarian food. After watching Cow-spiracy and other documentaries on the meat industries, I decided to do the environment a solid and go green.

But not when I get invited to someone’s home for dinner. Then I’ll eat what’s cooking. I’m not one of those obnoxious tree-huggers with a loudspeaker who insist on making a public statement and putting it on Instagram. “Sorry, but the candles on this table are not vegan, I can’t sit here. #beesarepeopletoo” Go sit on a pineapple. They’re vegan.

Recently I caved in to the idea of biltong. It didn’t take much convincing. I’m weak. One “home-made biltong” video on YouTube later and I woke up at the hardware store. Making a biltong dryer is insanely simple. I could buy beef jerky in Sweden, but it’s expensive and tastes like a vegan candle.

Finding a butcher was surprisingly difficult and the price of meat obviously follows the gold index. Then I remembered that this isn’t a banana republic with livestock grazing at the airport. Gone are the days when flat goat off the runway was on special.

My home now smells like a dead animal. A delicious dead animal, marinaded in red wine vinegar and spiced with pepper and coriander. I’ve decided that biltong is a vegetable (bovine flora) and cows produce too much methane. We should eat them. You’re welcome, Nature.