The Green Mamba (Passportias worthlessias), also known as the Common South African Passport or Boerewors Book, is an A5-sized and highly venomous passport species of the African genus Eishidontknow.

I applied for my Swedish residence permit over a year ago. The paperwork and questioning was supposed to end after attending a second interview in Pretoria. The Swedish authorities have now turned their attention onto my Swedish partner. Although she is a citizen returning to her home country, she is being interrogated regarding her intentions in Sweden. The reason for this is because she will be accompanied by a most hideous creature holding a South African passport. Every precaution must be taken before allowing one of these sub-human specimens into the proximity of normal, decent people. A European citizen importing such an animal can only be doing something illegal.

Imagine being questioned by the department of home affairs about your intentions of returning home. The correct and only answer to that question should be, “None of your fucking business, arsehole!”

The poison contained within the South African passport does not only affect the bearer, but also those associated with that person. As all African passport holders are immediately assumed to be either criminals, terrorists or diseased, anyone accompanying the savage will be guilty by association.

It’s as though the authorities have added an extra item to the “dangerous cargo” list. “Good morning ma’am, are you carrying anything sharp, flammable, toxic or African with you today?”

If I were to regain my Dutch citizenship there is a chance that I will have to renounce my South African passport. They need not ask me twice. I would quickly become a smoker in order to roll up each page of the tokoloshe diary into a neat spliff and flick the ashes into the Rhine, with clogs on my feet, a bite of gouda in my mouth and a smile on my face.